It’s so weird, just a couple of weeks or so ago, I watched a video where the speaker described a situation where while waiting on direction from God, what appeared to be an answer, upon closer inspection wasn’t. Right now I am experiencing that very sensation, not sure if what looks like an open door is an answer or not. What sounded exciting and good at first has left me unsure, and with a level of peace somewhere between zip and nada. So I’m questioning why I feel that way and thus am confused.
As I try to work through my confusion, trying to assess my pride, ego and other potential personal roadblocks, I find myself getting frustrated. My frustration leads to impatience, I have no peace (imagine sounds of screeching tires and shatteringly glass as I come to an abrupt halt) and I realize I’ve tried to take control of the situation. Impatience and lack of peace are not fruit of Spirit lead activity. I need to get back to my “happy place”.
So what is my happy place? For me my happy place is where I find peace. You know how all those de-stressing exercises tell you to envision a pleasant happy place to relax. My happy place is like that only that it is not about temporarily coping, but having real abiding peace that unfurls those knots that form in my stomach. My objective it to operate in that place as much as possible and recognize when I’ve wandered off and return there as quickly as possible. I have to admit that my success rate at this is less than stellar. I’m a work in progress, so I’m writing this to remind myself to be more diligent in guarding my thoughts.
In my happy place I believe the following –
God is in control, always all the time. (Psalm 115:3, Isaiah 45:18-19, Isaiah 46:9)
God loves me lavishly and without limits. (John 3:16, Ephesians 1:6)
He has plans for my life and those plans are for my good and the good of His Kingdom. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)
Nothing that happens to me as His child happens without His knowledge and consent. (Job 1:10-12, Luke 22:31)
Based on all these facts, I can trust that whatever is going on is in God’s control, He is taking care of it, and what is best for me is His plan. I start worrying when I start doubting.
So how do I get there? I remember each of the above. I work through the list one at a time asking myself do I believe each truth. As I am reminded of these truths and get it settled in my mind, I find I can let go, relinquish control, and amazingly the knot in my stomach unclenches and I find peace. My goal is to remember these truths quickly and do a better job at keeping my focus on them.
So as I remember these truths, I sense God saying to me
Just Wait.
So, yes I’m still confused, but no longer frustrated and anxious. Maybe this is a door that will open, maybe not. Either way is ok. The knots in my stomach are gone, and I have peace, find rest, and am working on cultivating a little patience.
God is good.
Choose Joy!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
And Then Silence
As I looked over this blog I realized I hadn’t posted anything in over two weeks. It made me pause, because I have a stack of “ideas” to explore, and usually God leads me to an area to reflect. Even though I’ve been busy these past couple of weeks, I really couldn’t use it as an excuse, because, honestly, I’m always busy it seems. So why haven’t I written? Then I realized that I had not received any prompting leading me to a specific topic. God has been silent.
So as I pondered this, I realized this wasn’t a bad thing, God has not left me. I even still feel His presence in my life. This has been an opportunity to strengthen my faith. I’ve spent a good bit of time asking how, where, when, and what does it look like questions to God. So far I haven’t received answers. My weekly Bible Study has been talking about being in the wilderness, like the Israelites leaving Egypt and wandering in the dessert. I am at a transition point in my life. We’ve joined a new church and I’m praying over whether or not my sabbatical from leading women’s Bible study groups is coming to an end, and if so, what will that look like. So far God has been silent and this has extended to my writing as well.
I realized that if I believe (and I do) that God is still there, then He will speak when He is ready and in His time. I also think my resolve to continue writing is being tested. Will I seek out things to write about? Will I continue to declare His praises even when there is silence? Since this blog flows from things I’m dealing with, I decided maybe I should write about the silence. Here is where my reflecting has led.
First it has helped me clarify the difference in between being lost in a desert of disobedience and separation from God, and being in a time of wandering, waiting for God to reveal the next step. It is refining my patience and building my faith as I continue to learn to wait. I can look back on past times of waiting and know that God has perfect timing.
Additionally, as I lay in bed winding down from the day, I realized that in the silence I could find comfort and peace and rest. I am at a place where I can simply abide and be still. When Alex was a baby I would hold and rock him to comfort him when he was fussy in the middle of the night. I sensed God doing the same thing for me. I remembered the softness of the night, the warmth of the embrace, the occasion stoke on the head, and the same words I would whisper into my child’s ear, “Its ok, I’m right here.”, and then, silence.
So as I pondered this, I realized this wasn’t a bad thing, God has not left me. I even still feel His presence in my life. This has been an opportunity to strengthen my faith. I’ve spent a good bit of time asking how, where, when, and what does it look like questions to God. So far I haven’t received answers. My weekly Bible Study has been talking about being in the wilderness, like the Israelites leaving Egypt and wandering in the dessert. I am at a transition point in my life. We’ve joined a new church and I’m praying over whether or not my sabbatical from leading women’s Bible study groups is coming to an end, and if so, what will that look like. So far God has been silent and this has extended to my writing as well.
I realized that if I believe (and I do) that God is still there, then He will speak when He is ready and in His time. I also think my resolve to continue writing is being tested. Will I seek out things to write about? Will I continue to declare His praises even when there is silence? Since this blog flows from things I’m dealing with, I decided maybe I should write about the silence. Here is where my reflecting has led.
First it has helped me clarify the difference in between being lost in a desert of disobedience and separation from God, and being in a time of wandering, waiting for God to reveal the next step. It is refining my patience and building my faith as I continue to learn to wait. I can look back on past times of waiting and know that God has perfect timing.
Additionally, as I lay in bed winding down from the day, I realized that in the silence I could find comfort and peace and rest. I am at a place where I can simply abide and be still. When Alex was a baby I would hold and rock him to comfort him when he was fussy in the middle of the night. I sensed God doing the same thing for me. I remembered the softness of the night, the warmth of the embrace, the occasion stoke on the head, and the same words I would whisper into my child’s ear, “Its ok, I’m right here.”, and then, silence.
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