The other day I saw a commercial that expressed a sentiment I’ve heard many many times, from the parent’s perspective talking about their children – “I just want them to be happy”. As I sat and listened to this, I just had to conclude I didn’t agree with the thought. If you want to get some strange looks, try saying “I’m not about making my kid happy.” So what is wrong with me that I don’t want my child “just to be happy”? Am I anti-happiness, snubbing my nose at it? Actually, I don’t think I’m that cruel, although I often think of myself as the “mean mom”. I do not want my child to be unhappy in his life, but I don’t want him to live his life based on happiness. What do I mean by this?
I don’t want “being happy” to be the major deciding principle in my child’s life. Decisions should not be made primarily on the basis of how happy something will make me. Life has troubles, trials and suffering as part of it. To lead a life based on happiness implies something is bad when these trials come, when in fact we are facing what everyone faces. If we never face difficulty, we loose the opportunity to develop the skills, maturity and character needed to navigate these very situations and become compassionate people. Another problem with making decisions based on a happiness factor is that we begin to expect happiness, think we are owed happiness, begin to feel entitled to happiness, and expect others to be responsible for making us happy, all things that are a sure recipe for self-centeredness, disappointment, and disaster. When we make choices based on happiness, we risk not making the best choice simply because it might be too much work, too inconvenient, or isn’t enough about us.
So what do I want for my child? I want him to experience the love, joy, and peace that come from having a life based on a personal relationship with Jesus. I want him to love and be loved. I want him be wise and to know the secret of being content in all circumstances. I want him to have a sense of purpose and the satisfaction of fulfilling that purpose. I want him to have a sense of compassion, and the maturity and strength of character to face adversity without crumbling under it. I also want him to have many moments of happiness in the midst of all this, not as the objective, but as an overflow.
To be honest, it is so much easier to be the dispenser of happiness. It makes me popular, there is little resistance or aggravation. Right now, I am raw with the burn of being the bearer of discipline for poor decision making. In this moment, knowing I’m building my child’s character is scant salve for the pain. I cling to the promise of joy in fruit yet to be born as wisdom in my child. It is not terribly satisfying at this particular moment. I confess that there have been times when I have failed and given into the happiness dispenser. The problem I’ve discovered with that path, is that the sick feeling I develop in my stomach is worse than what I originally avoided, the feeling of failing my child.
I cannot protect my child from the world, so I must prepare him as the day draws ever closer when he will leave and have to face it on his own. I want him to succeed. I do hope he finds much happiness along the way, and the confidence to face things when happiness is not to be found.
