Time for Healing

Radiation is finally done. It’s time to heal. Unfortunately, you don’t finish one day and then a day or two later be all better. It takes several days up to a week for the cumulative negative effects to end. Then it is another week or two to really heal up. I am five days past my last treatment, and I hope I’ve reached the end of the worst.

The fatigue is much less, but the tender red skin and heat remain. Think bad sunburn. The heat has changed from being all over to being more localized in the treatment area, but much hotter there. I keep thinking that it is a little better today.

To compound all of this, I woke up Thursday night and had to get up. Imagine my surprise when I was swamped with intense pain and my back would not bend. I almost fell down before I could fall back on the bed in shock. Apparently all the getting on and off the treatment table compounded by the stress had caught up with me. The good news, my back has responded nicely to anti-inflammatory drugs and muscle relaxers. I am back to being able to move reasonably well, especially after a round with the heating pad with my coffee. Somehow using a heating pad while being already hot doesn’t sound fun, but it is getting the job done.

My back seems to be an indicator of how I’ve approached this, especially the last week or so. My mental state was head down and plow forward, toughing up and getting through it. It works, but there are consequences. I was so focused on keeping going, that I didn't always take the time to rely on God and let Him give me peace. I just wanted to get done, and I took control, losing my focus on Him for a few days.

Even though I failed to fully rely on God, He has forgiven me, and in His mercy is not holding it against me or punishing me. He remained faithful and stayed with me and waited on me. I know you were praying, because right at the end, I realized I needed to look to Him and hold on to Him. Sure enough, that cross on the ceiling was still there, and on that very last day the new (to me) therapist had to mark me with a small “X” one last time.

So, I am now a survivor. I even had a pin and a certificate to prove it. I’m not sure how many more updates there will be. I see my oncologist later this week for long term care and monitoring plans. Thank you for making the journey with me. Your support has meant so very much.

I do plan to return to my normal blog writing soon. I hope you’ll stop by and see what God has taught me.

Again, thank you and

Choose Joy!

The Home Stretch

The end is in sight. I only have five treatments left as I write this. For this I am very grateful. How am I doing? In reality, not too bad, I just tend to lose sight of that fact. I am sore from some minor swelling and my skin is red and tender, but I am not in any real pain. I am tired, and I am hot all the time. The hot probably makes the tired worse, because it is interfering with sleep.

It is easy to get down when I feel this way, and I have to continually remember to count my blessings. I have not had to receive chemo. I am not blistered, peeling, or burnt. I only have to complete sixteen treatments, not over thirty. My surgery was much simpler than many have had. I have been very blessed.

My prayers are that I bear up under whatever discomfort and suffering I am to endure in a way that honors God. I would love to be spared all of this, but if this is part of my times of suffering, I ask for the strength and peace to bear up under it. Believe me, it is very hard to do without the peace of God.

A lot of this has been a mental battle. Surgery was easier than the radiation has been. You wake up from surgery at the bottom of the hill and you work your way back up. You start at the worst point and then improve. With radiation you start at the top and then gradually go down. The problem is you don’t know how far down each step takes you or what the bottom looks like. Each Monday I have been hit with a wave a nerves and anxiety wondering how bad it will get during the week. The unknown can be daunting. I have to push those thoughts aside and know that I will get through this and I will recover.

I know I can do this. I am scheduled to be finished on June 19th. I can get through five more treatments. Thank you for your support. I know I am not alone.

Choose Joy! (Remind me to as well!)

Week One is Done

Week one is complete. The husband likes to track percentages and he reminds me it is also 25% done. That has a nice sound to it. So far everything has gone very well. My appointment times were not very consistent, but that will change this upcoming week. The staff has been excellent, caring, supportive, encouraging, and even a little “firm” when I needed it. My energy level is still pretty good, fatigue usually doesn’t show up until week three. I have only a little swelling, a normal thing for some folks. It is just enough to be noticeable, but doesn’t really hurt.

As I reflect back over the week, I am amazed over the women I have met. We all come in and sit in a woman’s waiting area that is part of our dressing room. Once in our robes (such a fashion statement!), we all become connected, or so it feels to me. All these women are beautiful and courageous. Yes, some are afraid, some get discouraged, and some are undergoing much more challenging treatments than I am. But we come back every day and continue to fight. This is real courage. Kindness also abounds. Someone always has an encouraging smile or gentle word. The new ladies are welcomed with reassurances and warmth. We get excited when someone is getting near the end of their treatment. Once again, I see God caring for us by making sure we are not alone.

God has allowed me to walk by faith and not by sight this week. His presence has been quiet, but there nonetheless. Thursday and Friday my “space glasses” were not functioning, so I was able look around the room a bit more as I lay on the table. Over my head the lasers form a cross on the ceiling. On Friday, I looked up and saw that and thought “Hello Jesus! I am so glad you are here with me today.”

So how can I begin to explain how the goodness, kindness, and love of God? He shows up in the support of therapists, the faces of women, and lasers on the ceiling. He has been with me all the way, He is here today.

Choose Joy!

Ready, Set, Radiation

All the planning and simulation is done. My radiation therapy starts today. I will have sixteen treatments using a new technique to protect my heart and lungs. I will say more about that in a minute.

Needless to say, I am a bit nervous, but God has made sure I know He is with me. There is a cross cut into one of the cabinets, I’m sure it is for the lasers, but it is a cross. Also, to get me positioned correctly, they mark me using Sharpies with an “X” to match me to the lasers. An “X” is the Greek initial for Christ, so I am literally being marked with His name. Finally, one of the therapist’s names is Faith, so I will have Faith during my treatments. Never, doubt that God likes to make us smile, but more importantly, when I look I see His presence everywhere around me. I am loved, I am protected, and I am not abandoned. Some may say I simply have a vivid imagination, but I much prefer to have my thoughts on my Father, than be dwelling in a place where I am on my own in that room.

My prayer request is that I am not too troubled by side effects. The most immediate worry is that the last two planning sessions were very long. After having to hold still on the table for about 45 minutes, one of my arms would go numb and then begin to cramp. The last twenty minutes or so were very painful as a result, and I was completely wiped out after it was over. They assure me the actual treatment time is much shorter, getting all the x-rays is time consuming. So, I should not be on the table long enough to have issues again. I pray this is so. The new technique will make the session slightly longer, but hopefully not too much so.

So, if you are not interested in what my new treatment is, you can stop reading now.

Apparently if I take a deep breath and hold it, my heart and lungs move slightly away from the chest wall into a safer spot. Who knew? So, I have a cube that sits on my abdomen and works with a camera to monitor my breathing. I get to wear what I call “space glasses” that are simply some glasses that let me view a computer monitor. The monitor shows a moving line that is my breathing pattern and a target zone for how deep a breath to take. When I take a deep breath, the machine will come on only as long as I hold my breath in that zone. It is all pretty clever to me, and it is saving me three extra weeks of treatments. I am one of the very early users of this technology at the Cancer Center. Again, God has some pretty nifty timing going on.

Thank you again for all your love, support and prayers. I know I keep saying this, but it impossible to express what they mean to me!

Choose Joy!

A Bump in the Road

I've heard the saying “wearing your heart on your sleeve”, but apparently I wear my heart to close too my chest wall. This means it will be harder to protect from the radiation. Normally, this would mean dropping back to the full six week treatment plan, but apparently there is something new they think will work for me and keep me at the three week, sixteen session level. The bottom line means a setback in starting my treatment to get me set up with the new procedure. So, radiation will not next week as I expected. I’ll let everyone know more once I do.

God has a plan for all this, so I am trusting Him as this unfolds for the best possible treatment for me. He continues to meet my needs during this time, from the simple things, such as finding the right lotion for me locally, and the big things, calming my nerves, and providing new treatments.

Again your support has been so very special.

Choose Joy!

Radiation Plan

Zoom! That’s how last week felt. We’ve had a lot going on. I started the week with a Bone Density test on Monday and my Radiation Oncologist appointment on Tuesday. Wednesday sent us on an afternoon road trip with my parents to funeral visitation for my aunt. She went home the first of the week. Friday, Ken had to have a steroid injection in his eye (ouch!) and we spent the weekend recovering from that. Yesterday we regrouped and prepared for this week. This morning Ken left before 7 am to pick our son up from college, and this afternoon I have the first of three appointments to prepare me for radiation treatments. Whew! I am tired just writing all of this.

As a result, I’m just now getting to update the blog. As I said, I am starting the radiation phase of my fight. I will have three appointments to get everything ready and tested before I begin the actual treatments. These will take about two weeks to complete. I will also see my surgeon one more time during this time to get the final approval that I am healed enough to begin radiation. The good news is I can receive 16 treatments instead of the usual 33. This will cut the time to complete this in half.

I have to confess that I have gotten a little anxious now that it is here. I guess I’ve just ignored it until now. I know this will be fine, but the unknown always gives me pause. I keep reminding myself the God knows and has this under control. The two biggest issues with radiation are fatigue and skin irritation. So my prayer requests relate to those. Pray that God will give me supernatural strength to get through this and that the skin irritation will be manageable and I won’t be too whiny. I suspect as I get tired, I will have to be even more diligent in choosing joy each day. I have been known to throw some amazing pity parties. I want to avoid those this time.

Again thank you for your support. God has given me many people to support me and lift me up. You are a reminder that I am loved and valued. We all are!

Choose Joy!

Healing Well

It’s been quiet here on the blog, simply because I've had a quiet couple of weeks. I saw my surgeon about a week ago for the post-op check-up, and I am healing nicely. So, that is what I have been concentrating on, healing and getting my strength back. However, it’s about time to get busy again.

I met my Oncologist at the end of this past week. She will be the one responsible for my long term care and monitoring for the next five years. I will go on a hormone drug for five years as a means of reducing the risk of the cancer reoccurring. However, I will not start on it until after I have finished radiation treatment.

Speaking of radiation, many of you have asked about it, and the planning for it will begin this upcoming Tuesday. I will have much more specific information after that appointment, including how long treatment should last. I do know that I must see my surgeon one more time for her to make sure I have healed sufficiently from surgery to begin, and that appointment is not until mid-May. So my expectations are to begin radiation very shortly after that time. Again, I will know much more after Tuesday’s appointment.

It is comforting to hear consistent information about my prognosis at each appointment. I am continually struck by the comments of amazement that the cancer was found at such an early stage and small size. God indeed did grant me mercy and grace over this. I have been spared a much harder road than many women have had to walk, and my news continues to flow with abundant goodness. I just have to keep singing of God’s great goodness, power, and love. He is indeed amazing. He is the reason my mental state has been as positive as it has been. I know it sounds trite and redundant, but He is indeed so very very good.

Thank you again for all of your support and prayers. You are God’s goodness in action in this world. I am truly blessed.

Choose Joy!

The Report is In

The caller ID said it was my surgeon calling, the Pathology Report was in. “I have a good report” says the surgeon to open the conversation.

“I like a good report” I reply.

The news is indeed all good. The margins are all clear and all three of the lymph nodes removed showed no signs of cancer. The final size of the tumor was almost the same as the initial ultrasound measurement, showing no significant growth. My report is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 1a. More importantly, the cancer is gone from my body and I do not need any additional surgery.

For the next week or two, my job is to heal from surgery, and then the “preventive maintenance” as I am calling it will begin. I have appointments for the surgeon to give me the “all clear” from surgery and to meet my Oncologist for the first time. She will be the one to monitor me and my treatments for the next several years. Once I get the “all clear” from the surgeon, radiation treatment planning will begin. At that point, I’ll know exactly what the rest of my treatment plans will be.

God has been faithful and good through all of this. I have been supported and loved by so many people. I have been prayed for all over the country and even around the world. I am amazed at the outpouring of His love through His people. I have had peace when it seemed impossible. I am also the poster girl for early detection, something I fully believe He orchestrated.

Thank you all for your support, your kind words, food, and your prayers. I cannot begin to explain how much they have meant to me and lifted my spirits.

Choose Joy!

Two Days After Surgery

Well, it has been about 48 hours since surgery. I am doing amazingly well. I'm down to Tylenol for pain and most of the fuzziness has disappeared. I'm still sore and a bit tired, but I am up and can move around fairly well. I will even be allowed to shower later today!

We are waiting for the final pathology report to confirm that the cancer had not gotten into the lymph nodes. That will indeed be wonderful news. Otherwise, I need to heal before radiation begins, probably in about 3 weeks.

God has been very good during all of this. I also want to thank everyone for the prayers and support. I can't begin to explain how much it has lifted my spirits to know that you care.

Choose Joy!

Home from Surgery

Just a quick post, I am home from surgery, sore and groggy, but otherwise well. Surgery went well, and no cancer in lymph nodes.

Surgery Tomorrow

Well, surgery is tomorrow. The day will start early, but I should be home sometime in the afternoon if there are no delays. I'm off to my final pre-op appointment shortly. Hard to keep the nerves at bay today, but God is keeping the serious anxiety in check. Hopefully we will find a way to get an update here after surgery with the latest status. In the meantime, thank you for all the prayers you have made on my behalf so far and I know will continue to make.

I hope everyone had a joyous Easter. We certainly did.

Choose Joy!

He is Here

If you've talked to me, I've probably already shared this with you, but I want to put it on the blog so it won’t be forgotten.

They had just finished up my biopsy, and I was still lying on the examining table, to be sure I had recovered enough to for the next step in the procedure. At this point, everything was still an unknown. All I knew was there was something in my breast that wasn't supposed to be there. The procedure itself wasn't that bad, and I had made it through it fine. My doctor and ultrasound tech were wonderful, caring, gentle, and efficient. However, the anxiety over the unknown was certainly pulling on me.

As I lay there recovering, the technician asked if I was ok for her to step out of the room for a moment, and since I was fine, I consented. I hadn't realized due to the equipment, the paper shuffling, and general noise in the room that music had been playing very softly in the background. As she left the room and closed the door behind her, quiet began to settle in and I heard the soft melody. Then the very first words I heard were

“Holy is the Lord God Almighty”

God on His throne had announced His presence in the room with me. Granted he used Chris Tomlin’s voice to achieve this, but He took the time to perfectly orchestrate a chorus just for my ears alone. Tears formed in my eyes. I was not alone. I had His full attention. He was there with me then, He is here with me now.

He’s here for you too. I am no one special to have received this glimpse of Him. He wants to do the same for you. I received it because I was talking to Him and I was looking for Him. Simply look for Him. He is here, waiting for you to take notice.

In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures,

Day and night they never stop saying:

“Holy, holy, holy

is the Lord God Almighty,

who was, and is, and is to come.”

Revelation 4:6b, 8b

Choose Joy!

Surgery Scheduled

This week I received my surgery date and then met once more with my surgeon to better understand exactly what will be happening now that we know how we are proceeding. My surgery will be on the morning of April 2 at Medical Park Hospital. It will be an outpatient procedure, so I should be home before the day is over. This was my heart’s first choice for a date, so that I could still get together with my family for Easter and also wrap up the Bible study classes I’m facilitating on time. God graciously scheduled everything perfectly.

Until then, this upcoming week will be much quieter. I will not have to go to any more appointments, and just have one telephone appointment to cover the pre-surgery anesthesia information gathering that is needed. So, waiting will be my biggest challenge. I need to keep my thoughts positive and my anxiety down. Since I don’t always wait with grace, this will be a big prayer request. Stress and fatigue have taken a toll on me this week, but God has blessed me with a couple of good night’s sleep, so I’m hoping that I will perk up some today. The other prayer request is that the surgery goes well and the cancer has not spread into my lymph nodes. This is the current expectation based on my test results, so no surprises in this area would be a big blessing. This will mean my post-surgery treatment will be pretty straightforward. This is where my current fears want to form.

The day of surgery will be a long day. I report to the Breast Clinic at 7:15 am (and I am not a morning girl) for placement of the guide wire to assist the surgeon in finding the tumor. From there I will go straight to the hospital where I will be for several hours to cover pre-surgery items, surgery itself and recovery. Of this, the surgery itself will only be about an hour. If all goes well, I will get to come home and sleep in my own bed.

Thank you again for all the love, support and prayers you have bestowed upon me. They are appreciated so very much. God is so gracious, loving and BIG!

Choose Joy!

Big Week Behind Me

It’s been a long week, and I am certainly glad it is over. I’ve had my two normal days of Bible Study classes, an MRI, the initial consultation with the Radiation Oncologist and have the green light to schedule surgery. So, here are the details.

The MRI on Monday went fine. I was just surprised how exhausted I was afterwards. I got the results from my surgeon late Tuesday, and the news was good. There were no surprises, no additional areas of suspicion, and the lymph nodes look clear. Everyone seems comfortable with my current Stage 1 diagnosis. Big relief and big praise to God. He got me through it, and He has held the cancer in check.

Thursday was the initial meeting with my Radiation Oncologist to discuss my treatment options. It went very well and I came away from the appointment actually feeling better than I had going into it. Not having radiation is not advised for me, the odds of reoccurrence without are much higher than with the treatment. The good news is that I am still a candidate for the shorter three week protocol instead of the standard six to seven week treatment. The final answer will depend on the outcome of surgery. Ken reminds me not to count on it, plan on six weeks and be happy if we only have to go through three. Wise man. I found out much more about the treatment process, and while I have to go five days a week, I was surprised to find out that the sessions are very short, usually under 30 minutes start to finish. So, more good news, this will not completely consume every day for six weeks. I also learned that I will need to recover from surgery before beginning radiation, so I don’t have to jump immediately from one to the other.

So, armed with all this information, everyone recommends and I agree to proceed with my lumpectomy and follow up radiation treatment. The surgery is in the process of being scheduled. The window we are looking at is the week before or after Easter, with my preference being the second of those weeks.

God has been good throughout this week. I have been able to sleep. I have received so much love and support from everyone, and the news has all been encouraging. So, now we will rest this weekend and get ready to prepare for the next steps. I don’t have to be strong on my own. He is my strength. Thank you to each one of you for the love you are showing me. I cannot begin to express how much it means to me. I still have a God sighting to share, hopefully soon, since things are settling down. Until then –

Choose Joy!

Singing Songs

Well, I survived the MRI. It will never make my top twenty list of favorite things I've done, but it isn’t in the worst twenty either. My technician was wonderful and patient, since my problem was getting my old out of shape body onto the table and in a comfortable position. I got a little anxious that I wasn't going to be able do it, but my SOS prayer of help led us to an extra cushion that got me where I needed to be. Thankfully I had been told I could bring my own music along, so Phillips, Craig, and Dean sang praise music in my ear and I concentrated on Jesus and got through the test just fine after that, and they got the pictures they needed.

It has become apparent to me over that past several days that music is one of the ways I am coping with this. A Sunday School class member encouraged me by sending me a link to a wonderful video of Amazing Grace, and I was ministered to by the Sunday Morning Praise Team at Calvary West this past week. We sang “It Is Well With My Soul”, and I had my arm raised in praise, but instead of an open palm, I had my hand so tightly closed holding on to my Jesus, that my nails were digging into my palms.

I’m one of these people who talk to God a lot throughout the day, and lately it has been even minute by minute as I cope. I have had key phrases from so many favorite songs running through my head. As I stopped at one point to thank God for giving me so many different songs to sing to Him, the thought occurred to me that if He was supplying the songs, I wasn't singing to Him, He was singing to me. Now that took my breath away. Like the tender Father He is, He is singing songs over me to calm my fears and sustain me throughout the day. On my own, I am fearful and weak, but that’s not a problem. I don’t have to rely on my own power. He is my strength, my shield, in Him what is there to fear?

“The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

Choose Joy!

An MRI Kind of Monday

In the afternoon on Monday, March 11, I will have my MRI. As I understand it, this is the best way to make sure they have identified all the cancer prior to surgery. It should be no big deal, the main issues are an IV and the time spent in the small space. They keep asking me if I am claustrophobic, and I answer, “I don’t think so, but I’m not sure”. Still, I can’t help but think that if they keep asking me, I’m going to be, but, if they don’t ask, then how can they know? Go figure!

So, my prayer requests for this specific time are that I am indeed not claustrophobic and don’t freak out, and more importantly that anything that needs identifying will be found. I would really like for nothing new to be discovered, but am trusting God’s will for what is ahead. I am amazed at God’s daily grace to me. A few weeks ago if you had told me that I could be functional and almost rational after a diagnosis of breast cancer, I wouldn't have believed it. Truthfully, this is one of those things I could never imagine myself getting through. But here I am, and I can now say the words without crying every time. I am being sustained.

God has been so good to me so far, how can I doubt that He would continue to be anything else? I will have to share one of my God sightings with everyone soon. However, today, I will share His Words, straight out of my Bible Study homework from this afternoon.

O LORD, be gracious to us;

we long for you.

Be our strength every morning,

our salvation in time of distress.

He will be the sure foundation for your times,

a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;

the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure.

Isaiah 33:2, 6

Choose Joy!

Need Some Peace

Today I meet with my surgeon for the first time, so I’m not surprised I have a few butterflies. My head knows this is all going to be ok, but my emotions haven’t caught up yet. My voice is still scratchy, and I’ve gotten my left shoulder so tight, I have a hard time getting comfortable. It’s better today, but I’m still tense. So, if you would like to pray for me today, I need some peace, the kind that only God can provide. I know He will provide, so pray that I will cooperate and receive it and His authority over this situation. My head seems to know, but my heart hasn’t followed. Thanks for all love you have poured out on me. I am so blessed!

Stressed, but still I will

Choose Joy!

Then Life Changes

My life changed on March 1, 2013.  In reality the change began two weeks prior when I saw the caller id.  I knew there was a problem with my mammogram.  After the follow-up testing, I knew for certain on March 1, I have breast cancer.  My life has changed.  It is not over, but will be different.  The next several months will be hard, and then after that I will continue to be a survivor, and there will be permanent changes.

I said when I first had to go back in for additional tests, I wanted to glorify God through this.  So, for now this blog will primarily be about my journey through this, trying as much as possible to declare God’s praises.  I know I will fail at this sometimes, but I also know that He will not fail me.  I will also use this as a way to update any of you that would like to know how I am doing and how treatment is progressing.  I will try to keep the TMI to a minimum, but part of my coping will be to share.

So here is what we know so far.  I have invasive ductal carcinoma.  It is very very small, only 6mm or about ¼ of an inch.  Treatment is to have a lumpectomy followed by radiation.  I meet with my surgeon tomorrow, and will know more, including more on timeframe after that.

I will close with my first praise, mammogram timing.  I had a stomach bug the day I was supposed to have my mammogram two months prior.  Did the delay help make the tumor easier to spot?  I have no idea, but I know right now it is too small to feel, was not obvious on the mammogram, but was only just enough to warrant the ultrasound examination.  God’s timing is perfect.  My mammogram came while it is very small and treatment can be that much easier managed.

Yes, right now my emotions are raw, the tears flow often, but they are only human feelings.  My joy is more than that.  My joy’s name is Jesus, and through this I will continue to

Choose Joy!

Value in God’s Economy

Our pastor taught an amazing sermon this past week to mark Valentine’s Day. One central concept has stuck with me since I heard it, and so I don’t forget, I thought I’d share it here.

God’s love creates value; it is not a response to value. What a wonderful concept. God, in creating us in His love, bestows value upon us. John 3:16 reminds us God loves the whole world, so all in the world have value to Him. We have value because God gave us value. Unlike the human tendency to love based on some value we find appealing, God finds us to be appealing and valuable simply because we are his creation. I don’t have to and can’t do anything to change God’s love for me, for better or worse. God is unchanging, so His love is also unchanging, and does not depend on my attaining some human defined level of worth.

So, next time I’m struggling with my sense of self-worth and value, I need to remember, I have value to the One who created me and loves me unconditionally. I hope you will too.

Choose Joy!