Benign is a Beautiful Word

I posted a few weeks back that I crossed the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. Along with that comes the annual check-ups and mammogram. What I didn’t count on was the mammogram showing some tissue changes and needing another biopsy. Obviously, I was not happy. While waiting for the biopsy, I came down with a good old fashioned cold that laid siege to my sinuses. So, not only did I have to wait, but I waited not feeling well and wondering if I will get well in time to even have the biopsy.

The good news is I got through the biopsy as scheduled. The better news is that the results are benign, the changes are most probably post-surgery and radiation related. The real story is the things God reminded me of leading up to the good report.

It started on the way to the mammogram. I had a couple of spots flagged to watch at the 6 month mark, and I knew they were up for review. So, as I am driving, I am telling God about my anxiety and reminding myself that no matter what, I knew He was in control and had a plan. I had no more finished that thought when the very same song I wrote about in He is Here started playing on the radio. I actually laughed with joy that I was being reminded I was not alone. At the end of the day as I was leaving and had heard I needed a biopsy, “Revelation Song” came on the radio as I pulled out of the parking lot. The same words announcing God’s presence washed over me as I processed the news.

I would like to tell you I held up with grace and dignity for the next ten days until I got the results. It would be a lie. Even as I tried to focus on the “minimal” concern conveyed to me by the doctor, the possibility of another cancer diagnosis loomed in front of me, dark and ominous. I had no idea what that would mean or how I could even face it. I spent most of my time talking, pleading, whining, and even arguing with God. Very early on I said we needed to get this settled so I could deal with bad news. So, that is what we did, getting me settled. I learned lots of little things, but they can be summed up in two main points.

First, the lies wanted to come and make me miserable. “God was mad at me” and “I hadn’t been good enough and I was being punished” wanted to ring in my ears. This is why it is so important to know God and His character when times are good. I knew that those lies did not line up with what I had experienced in my relationship with God, and what the Bible had to say about Him. I am glad my God is loving, powerful, and unchanging. As a result, those lies couldn’t find enough fertile ground to hang around very long. Yes, I heard them. I just didn’t have to believe them.

Second, I had to dig deep to remember God is faithful, in control, and has a plan for me. If I’m going to experience it, He is going to use it for something good. I kept telling God that I couldn’t go through another cancer diagnosis. He reminded me that many women did, and if they could face it, why couldn’t I? As I began to accept the possibility, and in my mind a big possibility, I still didn’t know how I would cope with it. I couldn’t imagine how I would handle it, and if I did, it wouldn’t be pretty. God again reminded me that it didn’t have to be pretty. He understood my distress. He also reminded me the day to face that news had not arrived yet, so until it did, the grace to face that day had not arrived either. I had the grace for each day as I faced it. New grace would come with each day.

So, it really came down to this. “Melinda, do you believe that I will provide grace sufficient to the situation if that day ever arrives?” He has done too much, He has brought me too far, He has loved me so much, I couldn’t say no. I do believe in His provision. So, shortly before I got the results, I knew I would get through. I could not do it on my own, and it might not be pretty, but He would provide and make a way. It didn’t mean I wanted bad news, but I quit putting so many expectations on myself to “tough up and bear it”.

Then the news was good. I actually cried tears of joy for a few minutes. Benign is such a beautiful word.

Choose Joy!

One Year

It has been a year, a long year. One year ago today I heard the words “You have Breast Cancer” for the first time. Life has been one challenge after another throughout the year. Some things are still not settled. I’m about to try a different preventative hormone therapy drug, since I couldn't tolerate the last one. I only finished physical therapy for the radiation scar tissue issues in January, and I still have some lingering issues with it, but they are lessening.

However, I am cancer free. I am working toward improving my quality of life. Treatments have left me worn out and weak, and my body is still trying to recover. Cancer still wants to exert its influence long after it has left the body. Like much in life, you give in, or you fight.

I am blessed that I do not have to fight alone. My amazing husband has been there for me day in and day out. My family and friends have been there to add their support. My medical team has looked after me and directed me forward. Most importantly, God has been there for me, providing strength and comfort, even on those days I was so worn down, I felt done. From making the unseen visible for detection, to making Himself known over and over again, His faithfulness has not faltered, even when my faith did.

My hope is that this year brings renewed strength to my body and the ability to live and enjoy life more fully. If I am still here, there are things for me to do, and I want to live, fully, and praising God.

Choose Joy!

Time for Healing

Radiation is finally done. It’s time to heal. Unfortunately, you don’t finish one day and then a day or two later be all better. It takes several days up to a week for the cumulative negative effects to end. Then it is another week or two to really heal up. I am five days past my last treatment, and I hope I’ve reached the end of the worst.

The fatigue is much less, but the tender red skin and heat remain. Think bad sunburn. The heat has changed from being all over to being more localized in the treatment area, but much hotter there. I keep thinking that it is a little better today.

To compound all of this, I woke up Thursday night and had to get up. Imagine my surprise when I was swamped with intense pain and my back would not bend. I almost fell down before I could fall back on the bed in shock. Apparently all the getting on and off the treatment table compounded by the stress had caught up with me. The good news, my back has responded nicely to anti-inflammatory drugs and muscle relaxers. I am back to being able to move reasonably well, especially after a round with the heating pad with my coffee. Somehow using a heating pad while being already hot doesn’t sound fun, but it is getting the job done.

My back seems to be an indicator of how I’ve approached this, especially the last week or so. My mental state was head down and plow forward, toughing up and getting through it. It works, but there are consequences. I was so focused on keeping going, that I didn't always take the time to rely on God and let Him give me peace. I just wanted to get done, and I took control, losing my focus on Him for a few days.

Even though I failed to fully rely on God, He has forgiven me, and in His mercy is not holding it against me or punishing me. He remained faithful and stayed with me and waited on me. I know you were praying, because right at the end, I realized I needed to look to Him and hold on to Him. Sure enough, that cross on the ceiling was still there, and on that very last day the new (to me) therapist had to mark me with a small “X” one last time.

So, I am now a survivor. I even had a pin and a certificate to prove it. I’m not sure how many more updates there will be. I see my oncologist later this week for long term care and monitoring plans. Thank you for making the journey with me. Your support has meant so very much.

I do plan to return to my normal blog writing soon. I hope you’ll stop by and see what God has taught me.

Again, thank you and

Choose Joy!

The Home Stretch

The end is in sight. I only have five treatments left as I write this. For this I am very grateful. How am I doing? In reality, not too bad, I just tend to lose sight of that fact. I am sore from some minor swelling and my skin is red and tender, but I am not in any real pain. I am tired, and I am hot all the time. The hot probably makes the tired worse, because it is interfering with sleep.

It is easy to get down when I feel this way, and I have to continually remember to count my blessings. I have not had to receive chemo. I am not blistered, peeling, or burnt. I only have to complete sixteen treatments, not over thirty. My surgery was much simpler than many have had. I have been very blessed.

My prayers are that I bear up under whatever discomfort and suffering I am to endure in a way that honors God. I would love to be spared all of this, but if this is part of my times of suffering, I ask for the strength and peace to bear up under it. Believe me, it is very hard to do without the peace of God.

A lot of this has been a mental battle. Surgery was easier than the radiation has been. You wake up from surgery at the bottom of the hill and you work your way back up. You start at the worst point and then improve. With radiation you start at the top and then gradually go down. The problem is you don’t know how far down each step takes you or what the bottom looks like. Each Monday I have been hit with a wave a nerves and anxiety wondering how bad it will get during the week. The unknown can be daunting. I have to push those thoughts aside and know that I will get through this and I will recover.

I know I can do this. I am scheduled to be finished on June 19th. I can get through five more treatments. Thank you for your support. I know I am not alone.

Choose Joy! (Remind me to as well!)

Week One is Done

Week one is complete. The husband likes to track percentages and he reminds me it is also 25% done. That has a nice sound to it. So far everything has gone very well. My appointment times were not very consistent, but that will change this upcoming week. The staff has been excellent, caring, supportive, encouraging, and even a little “firm” when I needed it. My energy level is still pretty good, fatigue usually doesn’t show up until week three. I have only a little swelling, a normal thing for some folks. It is just enough to be noticeable, but doesn’t really hurt.

As I reflect back over the week, I am amazed over the women I have met. We all come in and sit in a woman’s waiting area that is part of our dressing room. Once in our robes (such a fashion statement!), we all become connected, or so it feels to me. All these women are beautiful and courageous. Yes, some are afraid, some get discouraged, and some are undergoing much more challenging treatments than I am. But we come back every day and continue to fight. This is real courage. Kindness also abounds. Someone always has an encouraging smile or gentle word. The new ladies are welcomed with reassurances and warmth. We get excited when someone is getting near the end of their treatment. Once again, I see God caring for us by making sure we are not alone.

God has allowed me to walk by faith and not by sight this week. His presence has been quiet, but there nonetheless. Thursday and Friday my “space glasses” were not functioning, so I was able look around the room a bit more as I lay on the table. Over my head the lasers form a cross on the ceiling. On Friday, I looked up and saw that and thought “Hello Jesus! I am so glad you are here with me today.”

So how can I begin to explain how the goodness, kindness, and love of God? He shows up in the support of therapists, the faces of women, and lasers on the ceiling. He has been with me all the way, He is here today.

Choose Joy!

Ready, Set, Radiation

All the planning and simulation is done. My radiation therapy starts today. I will have sixteen treatments using a new technique to protect my heart and lungs. I will say more about that in a minute.

Needless to say, I am a bit nervous, but God has made sure I know He is with me. There is a cross cut into one of the cabinets, I’m sure it is for the lasers, but it is a cross. Also, to get me positioned correctly, they mark me using Sharpies with an “X” to match me to the lasers. An “X” is the Greek initial for Christ, so I am literally being marked with His name. Finally, one of the therapist’s names is Faith, so I will have Faith during my treatments. Never, doubt that God likes to make us smile, but more importantly, when I look I see His presence everywhere around me. I am loved, I am protected, and I am not abandoned. Some may say I simply have a vivid imagination, but I much prefer to have my thoughts on my Father, than be dwelling in a place where I am on my own in that room.

My prayer request is that I am not too troubled by side effects. The most immediate worry is that the last two planning sessions were very long. After having to hold still on the table for about 45 minutes, one of my arms would go numb and then begin to cramp. The last twenty minutes or so were very painful as a result, and I was completely wiped out after it was over. They assure me the actual treatment time is much shorter, getting all the x-rays is time consuming. So, I should not be on the table long enough to have issues again. I pray this is so. The new technique will make the session slightly longer, but hopefully not too much so.

So, if you are not interested in what my new treatment is, you can stop reading now.

Apparently if I take a deep breath and hold it, my heart and lungs move slightly away from the chest wall into a safer spot. Who knew? So, I have a cube that sits on my abdomen and works with a camera to monitor my breathing. I get to wear what I call “space glasses” that are simply some glasses that let me view a computer monitor. The monitor shows a moving line that is my breathing pattern and a target zone for how deep a breath to take. When I take a deep breath, the machine will come on only as long as I hold my breath in that zone. It is all pretty clever to me, and it is saving me three extra weeks of treatments. I am one of the very early users of this technology at the Cancer Center. Again, God has some pretty nifty timing going on.

Thank you again for all your love, support and prayers. I know I keep saying this, but it impossible to express what they mean to me!

Choose Joy!