I posted a few weeks back that I crossed the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. Along with that comes the annual check-ups and mammogram. What I didn’t count on was the mammogram showing some tissue changes and needing another biopsy. Obviously, I was not happy. While waiting for the biopsy, I came down with a good old fashioned cold that laid siege to my sinuses. So, not only did I have to wait, but I waited not feeling well and wondering if I will get well in time to even have the biopsy.
The good news is I got through the biopsy as scheduled. The better news is that the results are benign, the changes are most probably post-surgery and radiation related. The real story is the things God reminded me of leading up to the good report.
It started on the way to the mammogram. I had a couple of spots flagged to watch at the 6 month mark, and I knew they were up for review. So, as I am driving, I am telling God about my anxiety and reminding myself that no matter what, I knew He was in control and had a plan. I had no more finished that thought when the very same song I wrote about in He is Here started playing on the radio. I actually laughed with joy that I was being reminded I was not alone. At the end of the day as I was leaving and had heard I needed a biopsy, “Revelation Song” came on the radio as I pulled out of the parking lot. The same words announcing God’s presence washed over me as I processed the news.
I would like to tell you I held up with grace and dignity for the next ten days until I got the results. It would be a lie. Even as I tried to focus on the “minimal” concern conveyed to me by the doctor, the possibility of another cancer diagnosis loomed in front of me, dark and ominous. I had no idea what that would mean or how I could even face it. I spent most of my time talking, pleading, whining, and even arguing with God. Very early on I said we needed to get this settled so I could deal with bad news. So, that is what we did, getting me settled. I learned lots of little things, but they can be summed up in two main points.
First, the lies wanted to come and make me miserable. “God was mad at me” and “I hadn’t been good enough and I was being punished” wanted to ring in my ears. This is why it is so important to know God and His character when times are good. I knew that those lies did not line up with what I had experienced in my relationship with God, and what the Bible had to say about Him. I am glad my God is loving, powerful, and unchanging. As a result, those lies couldn’t find enough fertile ground to hang around very long. Yes, I heard them. I just didn’t have to believe them.
Second, I had to dig deep to remember God is faithful, in control, and has a plan for me. If I’m going to experience it, He is going to use it for something good. I kept telling God that I couldn’t go through another cancer diagnosis. He reminded me that many women did, and if they could face it, why couldn’t I? As I began to accept the possibility, and in my mind a big possibility, I still didn’t know how I would cope with it. I couldn’t imagine how I would handle it, and if I did, it wouldn’t be pretty. God again reminded me that it didn’t have to be pretty. He understood my distress. He also reminded me the day to face that news had not arrived yet, so until it did, the grace to face that day had not arrived either. I had the grace for each day as I faced it. New grace would come with each day.
So, it really came down to this. “Melinda, do you believe that I will provide grace sufficient to the situation if that day ever arrives?” He has done too much, He has brought me too far, He has loved me so much, I couldn’t say no. I do believe in His provision. So, shortly before I got the results, I knew I would get through. I could not do it on my own, and it might not be pretty, but He would provide and make a way. It didn’t mean I wanted bad news, but I quit putting so many expectations on myself to “tough up and bear it”.
Then the news was good. I actually cried tears of joy for a few minutes. Benign is such a beautiful word.
Choose Joy!
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